I’ll Show You Mine and You Show Me Yours
You've got clear on your own money stories and what you want from money in Part’s 1 - 3 of the Money and Love Series
in Parts 4 and 5 : The Three Gifts To Do Love and Money With Another and Are You Partners of Housemates? you got clear on what sort of relationship you want to be in and the role of the money stuff in supporting that for you both.
Now it's time for the BIG SCARY REVEAL
It’s time to reveal who you really are and what’s going on in your money world.
You must share the money stories, beliefs, triggers, rules and values you’ve uncovered with your beloved.
And of course you want your partner to share theirs and you may need to help them discover them just like you had to.
You will also share your current financial status, your balance sheet and your income statement - showing how money is currently flowing through your life and the result of what you do with it.
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At the end of this article you’ll find a fun set of questions to use to explore each other's money world and a download link to save them.
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Expect there to be differences.
Having money stories, beliefs and behavioural differences does not mean this can’t be an amazing relationship for you both - what we are concerned about are the huge chasms.
You've got to ask …
“Are we going to be able to navigate these differences?" …
Starting from the premise that your money, your investing, your assets, your spending, your earning… must always be in service of your love, never the other way around.
State What You Need
Start mapping your wants, both individual wants and joint wants.
You both state your needs something along these lines…
“In relation to my money and in order for me to feel financially safe and confident, these are the things that I want to have, experience and create.
I want us to achieve these specific financial goals.
I'd like us to have this amount in the cash safety net.
I want us to have investments in both our names equally.
I want to be and stay consumer debt free.”
One of your wants might be…
"I want to never have to look at the money stuff and I want somebody else to take care of me."
If that is genuinely your want, I suggest you dive deeper into your money stories as this desire is NOT an empowered place to be in.
BUT…
Perhaps you're in a relationship with someone who'll say,
"What I really want is to look after someone and have a very adult-child relationship where they depend on me. That's what I want."
Only once we know our wants and we're able to share them cleanly and clearly knowing we can trust the other person to say what their wants are - can we see where the overlaps and gaps are.
Then and only then can we explore what we are willing to do in order to support the other to get their wants met.
Mind The Gap
It's the gaps between our desires and wants that are the important areas to explore and spend time on.
The overlaps are the easy parts.
Map out your needs and wants and be mindful of the areas where in previous relationships you've endured or tolerated?
Maybe you accepted certain behaviours because you felt you didn't have a choice and you forgot you were free.
These are really important to note because this is where we self-betray and where when things get tough you might self betray again.
Remember, any kind of self-betrayal will lead to resentment. Betrayal of self or the other will lead to breakdown of connection and vulnerability. At its best this behaviour will lead to relationships where people skirt around the important things and coexist in a shared environment trying their best to avoid the wounded places so they can avoid the animosity, contempt, stress and struggle as much as possible.
This is what we have to take responsibility for.
Navigate Differences Don’t Avoid Them
A healthy relationship is about learning how to wholeheartedly navigate differences and not avoid them.
It’s not about finding someone that matches us perfectly. That is a myth.
There are going to be differences.
What is important is how we navigate the friction between mismatched desires, wants and preferences - not getting upset that they are there.
When you've mapped out what you both want and what you want from the relationship - including coming clean about where you've endured in the past - list out the easy overlapping parts and celebrate those.
Celebrate The Overlap
Highlight your matching desire, goal and values. Get excited.
Don't down play this part and be in a rush to get to the tough stuff. Deepening and reinforcing the already aligned parts is what will help you navigate the gaps.
Separate out these aligned elements and flesh out your agreements around these. Have fun bolstering this up.
Create fun ways to automate your aligned goals and how you’ll track your progress.
Now To The Gaps.
As you explore the differences, hold the intention that you both have loads of potential and creativity to find a win-win outcome.
Hold to the belief that you want a relationship where it's not about a spiral down to the lowest common denominator with both of you feeling you have to compromise who you are and what you want in order to be together. Instead know that it can and should be an upward spiral where you end up in a place that is great for you both.
Where there's a mismatch, you need to go inwards and ask yourself…
“What am I willing to do to help close this gap between our goals and desires?”
What are you prepared to give or move towards in this area?
Keep coming back to the drawing board with fresh ideas until it's a win-win for everyone.
Know that you will not settle until you have found a way forward where nobody feels they're losing.
If you cannot find a win-win you can explore whether one or the other will adjust their position?
Are you prepared to or not?
Can you adjust without betraying yourself?
You Must Know Your Own Hard No’s.
If you can’t find a way to a win outcome for you both, it might mean that this relationship is not going to work long term. Rather know that sooner rather than later.
Having a great money relationship and having a great love relationship is about creative collaboration in order to have a win for everybody.
Agreements For Freaks
Once you’ve established what freaks you are and you’re OK with the gaps and overlaps you put agreements in place to guide the money aspect of your love.
Often people say… “True love is unconditional and so there should be no limits and rules or agreements - we should accept everything about the other and they should accept and love everything about us too.”
Absolutely love is unconditional but relationships aren’t.
Every great partnership has agreements around how you're going to manage money and your own behaviour in service of your vision and your joint goals.
Creating win-win agreements, committing to them and keeping them is how you stay in integrity in your relationship.
This is really important. This is how we build deeper trust with each other and ourselves.
Relationship Rules Suck
I love money rules but I dislike rules in a relationship because we have to remember that we are free to be in this relationship or not.
An agreement is voluntarily entered into and upheld.
You have agreements about how you're going to operate this thing called your life together. They should never be power plays over each other.
Just like your money, your agreements are in service of love.
Principles Form Your River Banks
When you have a joint financial vision and know what you’re aiming for, it's important to set in place some overarching principles to guide your money and wealth decisions.
Principles are like a riverbank. They guide the flow of life-giving water. Without them the river would go nowhere, it would be just a messy puddle.
Your money principles are things that you both agree will guide your relationships flow to get you to where you want to be.
Principles become things you can rely on and lean into.
They are decisions you make upfront and you don’t have to keep going over them again and again.
Your money principles will include agreements on things like
- total financial transparency, joint income statements and balance sheets and viewing ALL your assets as belonging to you both.
- No consumer debt
- When you can and can’t touch investments
- How to make joint spend decisions over x amount,
- How you’ll engage with kids and extended family around money, and so on.
The key principle is that neither of you will try to please or appease in order to stay in the relationship.
You must be able to sign your name to these principles wholeheartedly.
>>> Go to this article “QUESTIONS TO GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER'S MONEY WORLD” to find sets of fun and powerful questions to help you discover each other's money world.
As you discover each other's fabulously freaky selves, be careful you don't go into judgement or panic. Stay in curiosity with your partner.
Also do these inquiries in small chunks because it can be overwhelming as more of yourselves are revealed.
“Take the Money and Love masterclass to expand your intimacy and your wealth”
